Back to December
by choose joy xox
Summary: "He didn't know how deeply into the addiction Spencer had fallen. But what he did know was that he unconditionally loved that girl with every single part of him, and that he would do whatever it took to help her through this." The conversation between Toby and Veronica Hastings that was alluded to in 4x20. Read and Review!
1. Toby

**Prompt: I got a prompt for you lovely! So basically the conversation between Toby and Spencer's mom about the pills and Toby's thoughts as he finds out and looking back and realizing the symptoms she displayed and how easily she hid it and just being worried.**

**I love tumblr prompts. I'm posting this one on here because I think it's pretty good? Idk! Anyways, yeah! Let me know what you think. Also this is 100% done from memory because I can't get on the ABC Family app to watch the episode (not that I particularly want to have my heart ripped out AGAIN anyways!), so if something's a little off that's why!**

**Read and review! Maybe throw a little enjoyment in there. I might come back to this with a second chapter on how I think Spencer will apologize/talk to Toby if I feel inspired before Tuesday. We shall see.**

TPOV

He brushed his hands over his face as he walked out of his truck and up the driveway toward the Hastings house. All Mrs. Hastings had told him was that she had to tell him something, and it would be better to have that conversation in person. He was had already ascertained that Spencer had lied to him about why she canceled on him, but he couldn't imagine a scenario in which Mrs. Hastings would want to share family information with him. Her parents had never liked him. Were he not so worried he may have been touched by her gesture. Maybe he was finally earning approval.

Before had a chance to knock on the door Mrs. Hastings opened it and beckoned for him to come inside. "Toby, thank you for coming over so quickly."

He wrinkled his forehead in confusion as he took in her disheveled appearance and panicked stature. This was something new. Mrs. Hastings was always impeccably styled, dressed, and the picture of ease. "Well, you made it sound important. What's wrong? Is Spencer okay?"

"Toby, do you know where she is?" She took a deep breath and sat at one of the bar stools in the kitchen. "I'll explain everything to you, I just need you to be honest with me first."

He sat down across from her and tried to hide the embarrassing shaking of his hands. There was something wrong, and he needed to hear it before he went a little crazy. "She told me that she couldn't come to dinner with me because she was with you. I was a little disappointed, but I understand your need for family time."

"She told her father and I that she was going to dinner with you. This is what I was afraid of." The older woman bent over to rest her head in her arms as though she were too exhausted to keep her head up.

"Mrs. Hastings, I think that you need to tell me what's going on before I have a panic attack." His head hurt as scenario after scenario passed through his mind at rapid fire pace. Her parents were high profile lawyers. Had some deranged criminal kidnapped her for ransom? Was she in a car accident? Maybe she had wrecked on her way to his apartment.

She wearily lifted her head to take him in. The flashes of panic and anger in her eyes were enough to unsettle him even further. "Toby, there's something that you need to know about Spencer. I'm reluctant to tell you this, because I'm sure that she's never spoken of it with any of you. I don't see that I now have any choice. Especially if it has started again."

Did she not see how this beating around the bush was making it so much worse? "Mrs. Hastings, will you please just tell me? It can't be worse than the things that I'm imagining."

Mrs. Hastings nodded reluctantly and continued her tale. "She's always had troubling sitting down and focusing on a single project. The doctor suggested that we put her on Adderall to help regulate this, and we agreed without really considering the possible side effects. Things went wrong very quickly, and she didn't exactly share with me all of the details. From what I understand, she began to abuse her prescription by taking too many of her pills. There were entire periods of the summer two years ago that she has no memory of. She always looked tired and sickly. For a time she took up sleep-walking when she was finally able to sleep. It- it was just so hard. I just got a call from the doctor, and they basically confirmed that she had began taking them again. I can't get a hold of any of her friends, and I hope she's with them. If not..."

Drugs? Spencer was taking _drugs_? That couldn't be true. She was so manic about what she put into her body. A few weeks ago he had to practically hold her down and force feed her a piece of pizza. But the more he thought about it the more likely he found it. When he took her lunch earlier she was shaky, pale, and looked exhausted. He chalked it up to stress about her quiz, but what if it wasn't? What if she was actually on drugs? Oh my God.

He should have realized that something was wrong. She wasn't the same girl that had come to try and stop him from signing the agreement from Radley. That girl was feisty, looked well, and had taken some time on her appearance. The girl that he took lunch to was jumpy, fidgety, and just not well. Oh God. When had this happened? Was it something he could have prevented had he just taken a little more time to reassure her that his anger wasn't directed at her that night? He thought she knew. He could never be mad at her. He was mad at himself for letting her get so involved, and he was mad at himself because deep down inside he knew that she was right. He knew that he should have waited until he had the full story.

"Can I wait here with you?" He would wait in his truck on the street if she said no, but it would be much easier if he could just wait in the house. Whatever happened he needed to see her. He needed to see that she was okay.

"Of course. You can wait down here. She'll probably react better to seeing you first. I'll be upstairs. I think that I need to lay down for a little bit."

He watched her back as she climbed the stairs to the expansive second floor. As soon as she was out of sight he allowed his mind to wonder again. The more he thought about it the more sure he was that it was the truth. Why Spencer? Why would you do this to yourself? He thought of her exhaustion and her poor explanation as to why she was wearing Hanna's clothes. Was this a part of it too? Was this why she wouldn't go on a ride with him? When he thought about how she picked at her salad his worry continued to grow. Had she not been eating?

What did this mean for them? Would she not want to be with him anymore? He certainly hoped that wasn't the case, because he didn't know how to be without Spencer any more. She was such a crucial part of his life. Living without her seemed like an impossibility. No, he wouldn't let that happen. If he had to he would fight for them, because Spencer was worth it. She was worth everything in the world. And he would help her get through this. Whatever she needed from him he would give to her.

He wasn't sure how long he had spent zoned out, but his body stiffened as the door opened behind him. _Spencer. _And at that moment he knew that it wasn't going to be possible to talk to her about this tonight and still have an appropriate reaction. He was on her side; he was always on her side. But he was also so frustrated at her for doing this to herself. Instinctively he knew that a reminder of that was not what she needed right now. He knew who Spencer was. As upset as he might have been he was certain that she was internally beating herself up much worse.

"Toby?"

He could help himself from tensing up as he felt her move in behind him. As soon as she walked around the table in front of him he felt his heart shatter into a thousand pieces. Her disheveled appearance was only part of it. The pain in her eyes was more pronounced than anything else. Oh Spencer. What had happened to you?

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

The confused stare that she drew on him proved that she had no idea what was about to happen. "Your mom called me. She was worried about you." He sucked in a deep breath. He was sure that he looked upset, but there was no way he was going to make this about him. It was imperative that he held in most of his emotions. "Spencer, I- I just wish that you would have told me what was going on instead of me having to find out like this."

A knowing light found its way to her eyes. She knew. "Why would my mom be worried about me?"

_"Spencer, is that you?"_

"I guess I'll give you guys some time to talk." The last thing that he wanted to do was leave her, but he knew that Mrs. Hastings would ask him to leave. They were going to have to talk about this, and he sincerely hoped that it would help Spencer to see sense. He paused as he thought of the necklace in his pocket. Maybe it would brighten her spirits slightly? This wasn't going to be easy for her, and he would do anything that he could do to help.

His hand plunged into his inner pocket and unearthed the moderately sized jewelry box. "This is for you. There was a whole dinner that was supposed to go with it, but it doesn't matter." Dinners never seemed to work out well for them. He thought back to the beautiful anniversary dinner that she had planned the day she discovered his faux-duplicity. He supposed that it was his turn for the sharp sting of disappointment.

"Goodnight Toby. Thank you for coming." Mrs. Hastings' voice was friendly toward him, but there was no room for arguing. He was being dismissed.

He backed away slightly, but before he could even get two steps Spencer stepped forward and grabbed onto his arm. "Toby, could you just hold on a second. I wasn't trying to ditch you."

The desperation in her eyes was almost too much for him to take. He wanted to pull her into his arms and never let her go. That way he could make sure no one or nothing ever hurt her again, not even herself. But that wasn't an option right now. She would never get past this if she didn't want it for herself. As much as it pained him to do so, he untangled his arms from her much smaller hands and turned to Mrs. Hastings. "Goodnight, Mrs. Hastings. Thanks for letting me wait."

His eyes met Spencer's one more time before he backed out the door and made his way to his truck. He didn't know what the future held. He didn't know how deeply into the addiction Spencer had fallen. But what he did know was that he unconditionally loved that girl with every single part of him, and that he would do whatever it took to help her through this.


	2. Spencer

**So I decided to do a second part on how I believe that Spencer will react to Toby. I mean except I really doubt she tells him about Ezra. But she should, so I'm leaving it in. Hope you enjoy, and as always, let me know what you think!**

SPOV

She ran her fingers over the cool metal of the necklace Toby had given to her last night. It had only been in her possession a mere twelve hours, but she already drew her strength from it. She owed Toby an explanation. Her feet carried her up the steep steps to his loft. It hadn't occurred to her to call before she left, so she sincerely hoped that he was there. Waiting was a less desirable option, because she would lose her nerve.

It wasn't an issue. As soon as her hand met the door she heard movement from within. That movement brought about a new series of concerns. How was he going to react to what she had to tell him? It didn't matter because she would tell him no matter what, but she hoped that he wouldn't hate her. They had had more than enough secrets to last them a lifetime. It was time to be honest. Honesty was the only thing that could salvage the most important relationship in her life.

"Spencer?"

His voice was shocked but not unwelcoming, which was encouraging. "Can we talk? Please?" As she spoke she lifted her face to meet his eyes. Some of her worry evaporated away when she saw that his blue orbs were as warm as they always were.

"Of course." He moved out of the way so that she could slide into his loft.

Lightly she perched on his couch and waited for him to join her before she tried to express her feelings to him. No more secrets. The couch shifted as he sat next to her and gently grabbed her hand. "Spence, tell me what's going on."

"I-" She began, but she cut herself off as she saw that Toby's eyes had diverted to the necklace that she had so carefully clasped on this morning. "Toby, you couldn't have picked out something more perfect. I love it."

His fingers turned the charm over and looked down at it thoughtfully. "I'm glad you liked it. I- I just wanted to do something nice for you after everything. The dinner didn't work out, and that's fine. I just wanted to make sure you had something good after- after everything your mom told me."

Gently she took his fingers from the necklace and wrapped them up in her hand. "You couldn't have handled things better. I came over here to apologize to you for last night."

Emotions passed over his face in such rapid fire pace that she could grasp onto any of them. His feelings were a mystery to her as he began to speak. "I think I'd appreciate an explanation, but an apology isn't necessary. I know who you are, Spence. I know that you wouldn't take these things unless you felt like there was no other option. I'm not saying that I approve, but I am saying that I understand. Your desperation hardly warrants an apology to me. If anything I should be apologizing to you."

"Wait, why?" For the first time since she had entered the familiar loft she was thrown off from her mission. Why did he think that he needed to apologize to her? Every single person in her life had made her feel horrible about herself except for Toby. Her friends had yelled at her, her mom had turned it around so it was about her instead of Spencer, but Toby had expressed his disappointment and moved on. She couldn't fault him for that.

He took a deep breath and grabbed her other hand, holding it tightly. "I can't help but feel some responsibility. I'm so sorry for the way I handled the Radley situation. I'm not sorry for signing the agreement, because that was what was best for everyone. I should never have lashed out at you like that, and I really hope you know how sorry I am. I wasn't even mad at you, you were just there and got the brunt of the anger I was feeling at myself."

"Woah, hey. Toby I already know that. The only reason I got so upset that night was because I had just gotten in a fight with Emily too. I promise I knew that you weren't mad at me. It's fine. And this was _not _your fault." He couldn't really be blaming himself, could he? He had to know that this had nothing to do with him.

"Then why Spence? Why did you start taking the pills again? Why didn't you come to me? You know I would have helped you with no judgement. We all make mistakes." His eyes were pleading with her to give him answers, and God she wished that she could tell him everything. It would make the Ezra associated fear so much less pungent if Toby knew what was going on. She was a strong, independent woman, but she wasn't naive enough to feel completely safe with the blackmailing, stalking asshole running around. Toby would go a long way to making her feel secure, but she couldn't burden him with this.

"I-"

"Spencer I can see in your eyes that you're trying to find a way to hide something from me. Don't think that I don't well you enough to know that by now. Please. _Please _I am begging you to just tell me the truth..." His words broke off at the end and he took one of his hands back to fiddle with the frayed edge of the afghan over the back of the couch.

When Toby got insecure things changed. Throughout the course of their relationship she had seen so much change in him. He was no longer the shy, insecure boy that felt hated by all. But sometimes that insecure side was brought out. She couldn't stand it when it was her that did that to him. He had no reason to feel like that, and she wouldn't stand for it. "It's not safe for you to know."

His eyes whipped back up to her face. One of his hands stretched outward and light cupped the side of her face. "Listen to me Spencer. I stopped worrying about myself a long time ago. If it's not safe for me to know then it's even less safe for you to keep it to yourself. I don't want to push you into anything, but I'm also not okay with you putting yourself in danger."

The clear blue of his eyes caused her brain to go momentarily fuzzy. He spoke so sincerely and earnestly, but she wasn't okay with him being in danger either; _especially _when it was her fault. But she also was sick of Ezra's antics. He was not going to ruin another relationship. After he told Aria about the pills she wasn't sure that she was ever going to be able to rebuild her relationship with her friends to the point that it was. They didn't trust her, and why should they? She had been lying to them for weeks. Not about Ezra, but about the Adderall. She had an opportunity to make sure that her relationship with Toby didn't get damaged like that. She just had to decide whether it was worth the risk that it posed. "If- If I tell you it's absolutely imperative that you act like you don't know."

"I can keep a secret, Spencer." He brushed his thumb over her cheekbone. "I promise it will stay just between the two of us."

She bowed her head, allowing Toby's hands to keep her upright. She shouldn't tell him this, but she had to. He didn't deserved to be lied to; not about this. "Um, I figured out who -A is. And I started taking the Adderall so that I could stay up long enough to find proof. I didn't want to tell the person that- that this effects the most until I was sure. I mean I know how it feels to-" She immediately cut herself off and looked up at Toby apologetically. She didn't mean to bring up the days of what she thought was his betrayal.

A brief flash of regret passed over his face before it was replaced by understanding. "Are you saying that -A is one of your friends' significant others?"

She nodded reluctantly. She really shouldn't be telling him this.

"If you tell me it's Caleb I'm going to be even more pissed. I spent weeks investigating with him."

Caleb was a fairly decent guess for -A. He did appear to love Hanna before they broke up, but he had the technological skills to track them constantly. "No, it isn't Caleb."

"Spencer," his voice had changed from pissed to desperate. "Just tell me before I lose the little sanity that I have left."

"Ezra Fitz," she murmured and looked away. What if he didn't believe her? The girls certainly didn't, and they knew her just as well as Toby did. Would the Adderall make her lose her credibility with Toby too?

"Your English teacher?" He asked her incredulously. "Oh Spence, I'm so sorry." His hands moved to her shoulders and pulled her against him in a hug.

He couldn't imagine how much his kind words meant to her. She sagged against his shoulder in relief. "You believe me?"

"Why wouldn't I believe you?" He was honestly confused and she loved him for it.

"Ezra told Hanna, Aria, and Emily about the Adderall and now they don't believe me. They think that I'm crazy." Talking about her friends hurt a lot. She had always trusted them to be there for her, and instead at her first major sign of weakness they bail on her. She thought that mentality was exclusive to her parents, but apparently not.

His arms tightened around her and he pressed his lips to the crown of her head. "The Adderall isn't the best thing, but it doesn't change who you are at your core, Spence. You're still you and you would never intentionally hurt Aria or the rest of your friends like that. I'm sure they don't really think that you're crazy. They're just hurting and don't know how to handle it."

"I love you," she whispered into his shoulder. There was a lot more than she wanted to say, but that seemed as though it was the most important thing. What would she do without Toby?

"I love you too, but Spence, can we talk about the Adderall for a second?" His hand slowly ran through her hair as though he were anticipating her to react negatively.

This was what she was waiting for, and it was partially why she came over. "I gave Hanna most of what I had, but yesterday I bought some more from Andrew when I thought I was going to pass out." She slid it out of her pocket and pressed it into his hand. "I don't trust myself to get rid of it."

He slid the Adderall into his pocket and pulled slightly away from Spencer. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but you'll get through this. I'll be there for you every step of the way, I swear. I don't care how hard it is, I won't leave you to face this on your own."

For much of her life she refused to get close to people because it was a proven pattern for her that they would only bring disappointment and heartbreak. Then she met Toby Cavanaugh and he flipped her world upside down. He was the only person who had unapologetically been there for her through everything. He never wavered in his devotion. She wasn't sure how she got so lucky, but she knew that she was never going to let him go.


End file.
